One of the most difficult things I have had to overcome is the indoctrination that girls must be nice and kind. A girl must be sweet and pleasant. She must grow into a woman who is humble and accommodating, pleasing everybody (even at her own expense and they tell you this too). A lady must be “sweet / nice”. What does this even mean? Today I thought of this as I met for the first time, my hostesses friends, who were very welcoming to me and really made it easy for me to feel at home in their house and presence. It struck me that they made it very easy for me to be nice. Not because I was taught that, but because it is what I wanted to be right then. To be open to them because it made me feel good to be so at that moment. They were people whose spirits sat well with my soul.
As we sat conversing and later went out for lunch, it struck me that that this “being nice” is something that as a woman one carries the burden of dealing with. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not always sweet. Long ago already, I recognised how being sweet and nice, on many occasions, meant that I compromise my own joy and comfort and that I was being dishonest not only to myself but to the recipient of the niceness. I long learned the lesson on niceness. I do believe that I sometimes need to remind myself of it though.
I’m aware that we go through a large portion of our lives having internalised these behavioural expectations and over time we come to the realisation that these shortchange our kindness to ourselves. Everybody expects women to be sweet and this has been the standard used to “take” from women. The standard used to hinder our progress – be kind and sweet about Mr so and so getting the promotion, he has a family to feed, be kind and sweet to your abusive in laws, you will alienate then lose your husband to someone else etc. A great number of my life decisions have been based on being sweet, even after I believed I had unlearned this. So I need to consciously interrogate the true reason I am “sweet” in every instance to be sure that it is by choice, because I am more conscious than ever that life is short and has to be lived on ones own terms.
Overly niceness, just for the sake of it, beasts the other part of me. I can and have been in the past particularly “bitchy” – all you need to get this is to push my buttons. When I have shown this part of me and am honest and truthful, and when that truth does not work in favour of the other party, I have been labelled – hard, unsympathetic, indelicate, inappropriate and all such names. But this is my honest self. This is the self is authentic and frees me from questioning myself. It’s a little spicy according to others. This could mean anything – spicy alluring, spicy wicked, spicy tart or spicy acerbic. Whatever it is though, it’s the real me. I don’t mind any of these labels, so long as I can sleep well at night. However, I’ve learned that I can be honest without being hurtful. People are carrying a lot of “stuff” and I can and choose to contribute to society by being cognisant of this without compromising myself.
So as I hurtle towards 50, I am learning that it is okay to be a little sweet, a little spicy but overall, a brand of nice, that allows one to be in communion with others and affords one good sleep at night. Most importantly though, I am learning the importance of being kindest, sweetest and nicest to self. I matter most – I am my business.
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